My Grandpa a Legacy of Peace

I have had these thoughts about my Grandpa, in my mind for a long time and needed a way to get them out, and I struggled as I am not a great writer.  My son's Spring Concert stirred up even more emotion in me and I have now taken a week to mull it all over and I will still probably be all over the place.  For this I am sorry, I just need to share my heart.

I tried really hard to be happy, but a lot of my Childhood was filled with fear and sadness.  Don't get me wrong, I had A LOT of good times and reason's to be happy, but for me personally life was tough. I always struggled with sleep, even at 6 years old I remember my mind keeping me up, and I wouldn't sleep unless I was so exhausted my little body gave out or I had help.  Once I fell asleep staying asleep wasn't an issue and sometimes lack of sleep would cause me to "pass out" which earned me the nickname Snoozie Q from my Grandpa.  I was very hard to wake up. 
My Grandpa was my best friend growing up.  I am sure he spent time with his other grandchildren alone, but I only remember him with me.  He was an over the road truck driver and usually only home on the weekends, but when he was home he was really there, doing things for Grandma and around the house, driving the church bus and so many other things, but He always had time for me.  He was my Sunday Nap buddy, I always rested well around Grandpa. Psalms 4:8 says In peace I will both lie down and sleep, For You alone, O LORD, make me to dwell in safety. I think Grandpa was the facilitator of this for me.  The Lord gave me Grandpa as my security, my stability in a world that otherwise seemed chaotic.   My Grandfather, still to this day calls me Snoozie Q and although I no longer need him in the same way as I did as a child, my heart is at peace knowing he is around.   Growing up he very rarely was negative around us, and each one of us Grandchildren had a song that was just for us that when he saw us he sang.  He was always happy to be with us. Grandpa is not a perfect man, but I didn't know that as a child, in my eyes he definitely was. 

It is just the beginning

 Some may look at my life and think “she’s how old and this is all she has to show for her life”.  Well, there was a time I would agree, but when I look back on my life, I have got to realize how blessed I am to even be here.

I won’t bore you all with the details of my past or the mistakes. What I will tell you is, my life hasn’t always been easy and I have been known to do things to cause my circumstances to be worse.  I was the queen of zero confidence and I chased my problems rather than preparing myself for the future.  I lived in lack and  never gave myself the chance to prepare for the future. I never really thought I would still be on this earth at this age.  I mean don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to die, but I lived in fear of living, and I lived in a mindset of tired, stressed and with the thought that things could never get better.   I wanted to live but yet I didn’t want to live.   I have learned that fear is the enemy of true living, and your dreams and desires have to be more than just wanting them..

About 10 years ago give or take I weighed my heaviest at over 300lbs I always felt bad physically and mentally I was sick . I wanted more but I was comfortable in my misery.   A lot of good has happened since then and a ton of bad, I was completely defined by my misery.  I was a mom, a wife a friend, and all the other adjectives that defined me, but I didn’t really truly know my identity. 

This is not a story of greatness, however it is one of greatness in the making.  Greatness and success are not defined by money, or status, but of grit, determination, and overcoming that which can destroy you.

In 2019 in January I made some important life decisions that changed me forever.  I was going to step back into my life and live it.  

I was running an in home  daycare, I loved the kids and what I was doing but it allowed me to become content with the struggle and I slipped further and further into a dark hole within myself. I was no longer good at what I did, I was angry and bitter and stopped caring.  I was working to build my relationship with God and becoming more faithful, I was running two businesses with no direction and my family was literally crumbling.  I was slowly but actively dying and as harsh as it sounds I was acting out what I call complacent suicide.  Fake it till you make it was my mantra but I couldn’t even fake it well.  People saw it, I just didn’t realize it.  Life was happening all around me, and I allowed my circumstances to keep me down and the very things that should have been motivating me forward were my excuses to stand still.  

Before I tell you what has changed, I will tell you old habits are hard to break and I’m still a work in progress that still falls into old mindsets and behaviors, I’m still figuring it all out, I may not ever have it 100% figured out, but now I know I can never stop trying because life really is too good to let it slip past your fingers.  

First off with cliché, “what you think about you bring about. I have always been verbally optimistic, but didn’t believe what I was saying.  Hope was something I encouraged others to have but, I didn’t have it, but I thought I had faith. Those two things are definitely a pair that must go together.  So I started there unintentionally.  I always  believed in God and considered myself a Christian, but I really had no true belief. I knew I had a purpose and even a calling, but didn’t think I had what it took to bring it to fruition.  God must not have known who I was to put such a thing on me.  Actually, he knew, I did not. I surrounded myself with people who believed in me and believe I am who God says I am.  That was my best life choice ever.  The true family I cultivated, believed it for me when I couldn’t, and now I’m stepping into that and have been, I always will be stepping further until the end.  In life there is no destination all though we lie to ourselves and say, “if I accomplish this...if this happens... when I accumulate this, then I’ll be a success”. No baby, it is a journey filled with all kinds of surprises we couldn’t possibly be prepared for.

So I’m working on my faith, and creating hope daily, but my heart is broken, and I feel so sick all the time.  I learned about the power of forgiveness and therapy. Y’all therapy is a gift from God.  There is no shame in it so get over yourself and get it if you need it.  Having someone impartial to unload to then you be given an unbiased perspective is amazing.  My therapist is actually great at asking the right questions to help me figure out my own solutions to my dilemmas.  Forgiveness is the tougher of these two.  You have to realize forgiveness is for you not them, and it does not mean you have to tolerate people mistreating you.  Forgiveness is allowing yourself to let go of the hurt and bitterness so you can heal. Forgiving yourself is even harder.  If God can show you grace and mercy why can’t you show it to yourselves and others? Are you better than God? Do you know something he doesn’t?

So I’m figuring out forgiveness, and moving past the past and  overcoming hurt, trying not to repeat bad behaviors and showing grace to others and myself. But I still feel physically ill.   I still am extremely obese, diabetes out of control, high blood pressure, high Cholesterol, And diminishing and arthritic joints. I made a decision and in October 2019 I had bariatric surgery. As with all the things above the weight loss is still a work in progress but my diabetes is almost nonexistent my high blood pressure is nonexistent except in high stress situation and my cholesterol is great, I feel better than I ever have physically in my entire life.  I have to take a moment to say to anyone who would say she took the easy way out, shut up!  I decided to physically mutilate my body and yes I do look at it that way, in order to create a better life for myself. It was a very deeply personal decision that I did not take lightly and I sometimes regret it for a day, but overall I feel like it was the best decision that I made for my life ever. And in no way has any of this been easy it’s been very difficult I’ve had days where I shed tears, I signed up for an abnormal life for the rest of my life but to have a different life I had to live a different life.

At the end of the day I had to make a decision that I was worth making all of these changes. I had to believe that I could do what I was made to do. I choose to live in abundance rather than lack. That does not mean that everything is perfect for me, that does not mean that I don’t have any problems anymore, quite the contrary.What it does mean is that my mindset is different and I have empowered myself to be better. I have plenty of days where I still don’t feel good enough where I am celebrating and choose the wrong foods or I’m sad and choose the wrong foods because they make me feel better. There are days that I sleep the entire day because I just don’t feel like I can live my life, but it only last for a moment, I pick myself up and I move on because I am worth that. 

This change in my mindset has brought me a closer relationship with my family, more confidence, the freedom that I’ve never felt before. My business is doing greater than it ever has before and I have my friends and family who support me to thank for that, but at the end of the day it comes from me making all of the decisions that I’ve told you guys about today. But most importantly if you hear nothing else hear this; if it were not for my relationship with God, if it were not for me trusting in him in the hard times, if it were not for him allowing to work through me, If it were not for me allowing him to work for me when I’m unable to do it myself, I promise you I would not be alive today.

The struggle is real

Ok now it starts.  One full week in and the anxiety has taken hold.
It's ok if you laugh at me, my family does and so does my doctor actually, but I'm having a real struggle that I can't seem to get past. I have blood sugar anxiety!
It takes me anywhere from 10 minute to a half hour to prick my finger to get a reading.  This morning it was so bad, I could not actually check it.  I get sweaty, I struggle to breath, it's a real problem.  I give myself injections twice a day and have no real issue but this I'm not sure how to get past it.   If you could imagine for just a few seconds with me: I sit down meter in hand, I put the strip in the meter I get my lancet ready then I just sit there pen to finger and can't push the button.  You would think it should be a simple task, but I just cant. So I move it away and click it, then go to try again, and this cycle continues for awhile. Today I just gave up.  I know this is so crazy, I have to figure a way to get past this as i do need to keep track of my blood sugars.

Baby Steps

With the encouragement of my friends, family and  doctors, I am doing this thing slowly. I am restricting things that are dangerous for me and I am being consistent with my meds and Plexus.  It may not seem staggaring to most, but there have been victories already.
I will start by saying, I'm still having stomach/possible gall bladder issues, and the pain is no fun!  So that continued issue sent me to the Dr today and we discussed all my issues.  I have to go have a scan done on my gall bladder, which I knew would happen. My blood sugars are improving daily, but they do travel up and down throughout the day.  And she wants to see them more consistent. All though they are regulating she wants me to up my insulin by 2 units daily and double my victoza in hopes to level things out faster, but I have to be honest, I have done these meds before and it didn't work this fast, but I think adding the Plexus Triplex is really the kicker.   So I agreed I would only weigh myself at the doc when they required it so I wasn't having scale issues. Well since my last post I have lost two lbs and my blood sugars are averaging about 40-50 points lower. All in all that is great.  In the interest in being transparent I will tell you. I have struggled!  When I went grocery shopping I had a meltdown not knowing what to do and over thinking it.  I bought zero junk food so when I have sugar cravings there has been nothing and it effects me emotionally. I can't lie. The desire to eat junk is strong.    day by day, step by step I'm getting there.

Day 1

Day 1...again. 
I have had so many day 1s that I should really give it a different name.  You see I'm a quitter and a master excuse maker.  Some of these excuses, in fact most of them can be held up as legitimate reasons for being a quitter, but if I'm being honest they are a good way for me to justify to myself, and give permission to give up on myself.

I am a diabetic, morbidly obese, have mildly reduced kidney function, PCOS, arthritic, and degenerative joint disease, and now I'm having some kind of abdominal issue. I didn't ask for any of this, but I do nothing to make it better. Not for long anyway.  I'm trying to change that, but I have issues and back issues on why it's hard, and why I should allow myself to quit, but if I'm being real, as bad as my health is at the moment, not taking action means death. 
I am not 100% sure what everything will look like, but I'm taking steps to get myself healthy; physically, emotionally and spiritually. What I. Starting with is making some small attainable goals and no real long term goals at this time because I don't want to overwhelm my brain, and the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.  So I am measuring my goals in 3 month incraments. I go to the Dr. Every three months to check my blood work.
I went to my doc last week and I didn't get a full work up, but my numbers are as follows right now.
My average blood sugars are in the 270's  I have an A1C of 9.5 and my weight is 273 my highest weight ever was 293 in 2011.  I take 5 meds daily for my diabetes including insulin. If I'm being honest I don't take any of it correctly if at all.
Now that you know not just my truth, but the actual truth, I should tell you the plan.
First, I have a good support system and am building one.  Immediately, I am working on taking care of whatever this is going on in my stomach, I am at this moment waiting on tests results to know what's going on and the best way to treat it.  I'm going to work on being consistent with the basics of daily life, like taking my meds, trying to get enough sleep etc. I am also starting Plexus. I used it briefly before, but I do know for fact that yeast and gut health are a big part of my issues. I will talk more about that later. I am using the TriPlex at the moment, but I plan on adding some other things as I go forward.  I plan on working on diet and exercise more and more, but I want to succeed this time, and I know it may seem simple, and it kind of is, but simple isn't always easy. 
In the near future I will be going to a healthy living bible study. I want to live a life that is pleasing to God, and I know the lack of caring for his temple and the body he gave me is not very pleasing. I can only move forward from here, so as I lift my pink drink in the air to another day one; I ask you to pray for me. pray that I have strength to keep going when it gets hard, that we quickly find out what's wrong so I can repair and continue. I hope that through this adventure, I will encourage people and maybe make them feel less alone and give someone else the courage to do something, even when it's hard.

Why Your Babysitter Quit: It's your fault

I have worked with Children in some facet since I was 13, I love it.  To quote the late great Whitney Houston, "I believe the children are our future..." I love that daily I am helping mold the people who will make up the future.  That is a ton of responsibility, and it isn't all fun and games, all though we teach them through fun and games.  I am not "anti daycare" but I am not a fan of traditional daycares, because of the larger groups, even with 10 kids that is a lot when they are small.  I couldn't afford to work in childcare the first few years of my son's life and without going through horror stories,  finding good care seemed impossible and I didn't have space to care for children in my home.  We moved and I decided that since I wasn't comfortable with my son being in a traditional care, I couldn't be the only one who felt that way, so I opened my own care center in my home.  I love it, and for the most part it has been successful, and without issue.  There have been a few things I have come across that I have recently discovered a lot of home care providers go through, and sometimes it causes good providers to put aside their love for what they do and quit.  The #1 issue is always the parents.

Okay, so I know I just stepped on all the maternal toes reading this currently, but please follow along so that you can be sure to keep the care giver you love, and not put him/her in the position that they want to quit.  I also want to state that my examples are not pointed to anyone in particular, but taken from stories that I and other caregivers have experienced.

Your In Home Care Provider
Your caregiver may or may not be licensed by the state, but either way still have to abide by certain state regulations.  These regulations are different in every state, but here in MO where I am it is against the law to care for more than four children in my home at anyone time.  There are few exceptions to this rule, one being that related children do not count, but this rule is pretty firm.  If I was licensed I could have more children but the cost to be licensed doesn't make it financially possible for most people. For me licensing would require building a third bathroom, adding on to my daycare room, and fencing in my entire yard (fencing in just the 700sq ft the state requires would reduce my property value leaving the only option to fence in the entire 3 acres with a specific fencing type).  That is an expensive project, and I would also be required to purchase certain types of toys and create different stations for play and discovery which could be quite costly.  So I choose to be unlicensed.  The average cost for care in my area is $100 a week for full time children, and the goal is to be full.  I am not state licensed, but I am state registered, which means I have paid the state to do a background check on me, and any adult who lives or frequents my house during care times. I have paid for finger printing and a medical exam. Being registered means I can give care to children who's parents qualify for assisted care services, which means not only do I have to wait for my once a month payment from the state, I have added a lot of paperwork to my job.  I do this by choice, but it is to help people out and there is a need.  The state also does not pay my rate, they pay theirs, which is less than what I charge by $5 a day. 
I am not a babysitter, I play with your children, I do activities with your children, teach them.  Typically children that leave me going into kindergarten know the skills they need and that they would learn in a traditional preschool program.  I potty train, feed and love your children as if they are my own. In home daycares offer the comfort of a home with one on one attention, and the families start to feel like part of your family.  I love my job, and rarely consider it work, but it is also how I help my family financially.

So What's The Problem
Caregivers typically have policies to protect your children as well as themselves, and those policies are often ignored.  Parent's take advantage of the fact that they are dealing with an individual rather than a business quite often.  This puts the caregiver in a bad spot, because he/she considers you family and always wants to help you out.  There are ways you can help bitterness and frustration from being an issue. 
When your child is sick, leave them at home/pick them up.  I realize employers frown upon you calling off or leaving early, but you will have to miss work if your caregiver gets sick.  Other parents also get upset when they have to miss because another child passed on the illness to theirs, but they blame the caregiver, sometimes even yelling and being abusive.
If your child catches something from another child at your caregiver's home, don't get mad at the caregiver.  They didn't want it to happen, they feel bad about it, but they didn't do it or cause it.  When they start actual school, they will be exposed to much more, be prepared, it is nothing to get mad over, kids get sick.
Most caregivers have a discipline policy, and as precious as your child is, they are not perfect no matter what they may have you think.  Respect this, if your child went to time out or lost a privilege, there is no point in arguing and getting mad, your child probably earned the discipline.  I am not talking physical, physical punishment other than a "bear hug" with violent or out of control children is illegal and not to be tolerated. If you have a question about it discipline, ask always, but don't get mad, find out what happened from the caregiver, 9 times out of ten there is miscommunication or the child just wasn't happy with the punishment they received. 
Find out what your caregiver's policy is on everything before they even start, so you know if you agree with it or not. There is never a reason to get upset over these issues if you are aware of them upfront.

We are not in it for the money
The number one reason caregivers quit is because they are losing money by caring for your children.  If and when I am full I make about $400, and that seems like a great wage, but let me break up how it gets spent for you on a monthly basis using averages for my area and low household expenses which in my case is more than the example. I don't know how a single parent or even a single person could afford to be a caregiver.

Right off the top  we have to take off 20% min for taxes, that's right we have to pay taxes, even on the cash you give us.

Monthly income $1600

minus taxes ($320) $1280

Rent/home ($700)$580

Insurances/Utilities ($400) $180

that leaves $180 to feed their family and your kids as well as keep them active for the month. Not quite enough is it.  And these are low compared to averages and doesn't allow for extras like cable, Internet etc. 

As you can see it isn't much money to be making and thank God my husband has a good job that allows me to be able to do what I love. You can understand that I love my job and it is much more important to me than the money, but there is a problem. 

I will never understand this, why is not paying your caregiver even an option. This person is taking over for you because you can't be there, do they not deserve to be compensated?  I can understand the occasional late pay, but the person caring for your child should be priority over a weekend camping trip to the lake with your boat (that trip costs more than your care bill). OK that was directed to one person. 

Don't badmouth a caregiver that won't take your part time child.  As I said before the goal is to be full, in order to give your child the best they deserve, I need to be full.  Part time children who only come on specific days of the week are usually accepted at a daily rate because the care giver can most likely fill the days your child is not there with other children.  When your days are not set, the caregiver is limited financially and as much as she loves children that has to be thought of.  I personally will except children with scattered schedules, but I do it at a higher rate (typically full time) because otherwise I can't provide.  And once again the money you pay doesn't all go in my pocket.  I typically spend $400+ a month to feed and keep your children active and have hands on learning experience.

Why Did She Quit

I use myself a lot as an example of how things are, but I am not quitting what I do, not yet anyway.  I have been blessed that most of my parents have been amazing, but I have had a few and a few potential families that have been a cause of amazing amounts of stress for me.  I know many great talented people who stepped away from being caregivers, because of the reason's above.  Imagine if you went to work and you are a supervisor of a fast food restaurant and one of your employees was being abusive to another and when you dealt with the issue your boss screamed at you because they know that employee would just never do that, and your CEO screams at you because you let an employee be victimized, but you handled the situation as you policy demands.  Imagine in that same company, not getting your pay check till a week late or having days missing because the company was having financial problems.  How long would you stay with that job?  Imagine you loved it dearly?  You might hang on for a while, but for how long.  People always being angry with you for things you can't control, things they also would not be able to control. Not getting paid when it's your pay day?  You wouldn't be able to hang on too long in that environment, but that is the life of an in home care provider. They do it by choice and they do it because they love your precious children.  If you trust them with your most precious gifts, treat them like you want to be treated by your employer.  

DISCLAIMER:

I am completely aware that there are some really horrible caregivers, We as a family have been victim to more than one at my child's expense.  Most Caregiver's and teacher's will tell you if asked that one of their greatest difficulty in their job is dealing with parents, and rightly so.  As a parent, you are your child's first and #1 advocate, but it is important to know that the people on your team helping you with the upbringing of your children (caregivers teachers etc.) are also advocating for your child and want the best for them, and proper communication at all times, will provide the results you want as well. 

Your Babysitter- What You Should Know and What You Should Ask

Parents have a tough job of finding good childcare and as the demands of life get greater, finding the right one, that will be good for the long term is a difficult task.  If you don't have this concern you are blessed. 
If your choice is to send your child to an in home care center (preschool or babysitter) you should know exactly what to expect, and what questions to ask. 
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW
1. In most states it is illegal for your care giver, if unlicensed, to have more than 5 children of any age (there are exceptions ex. children related to the caregiver do not count as children being cared for). The regulations in each state vary, so be aware of the laws in your area.
2. EVERY activity that the children do, unless the parents send extra, is paid for with the money you pay for care, including meals and snacks.  Your caregiver is not getting rich and they try to keep rates competitive and affordable, but as you know keeping your kids busy and feeding them is costly. An in home caregiver usually makes 25-30% of what they charge as income.
3. They are you when you can't be there, you should trust them, and know their "parenting philosophy"
4. Your child, in most cases, is not the only child they care for and no one gets preference, especially their own.  Most in home caregivers actually spend less time with their own family than they do the children they care for even when they are in the same house at the same time. Your child needs to learn to conform to nap times and the schedule of the program they are in.  This means if breakfast is at 8 and your child shows up at 8:30 your provider may not have breakfast available for them. Of course with any change in routine there is a period of adjustment. Your caregiver needs you to help with this. 
5. When you bring your child sick because you can't miss work, you infect all the other children and the household of the caregiver, who most of the time doesn't have a back up, which will in turn cause you to be with out care for more than that day you would have missed.
6. Your care provider charges you when your children are not there for two reasons

• If you showed up to work and your boss closed the door and said, no pay day off today, that would hurt your bottom line and eventually put you looking for a new job, that is no different with your care provider.  They rely on the income from you bringing your children and to feed, educate and play with your children.
• you are holding the place for your child, with the restriction on numbers, childcare providers need to have every slot filled. so if you want your provider available to you for everyday, you have to expect to pay for everyday.

7. Your child is not just a paycheck, although you pay for a service, your provider is invested in your child and loves them.  They get excited for your child's milestones and sad with their disappointments.  They do what they do because they love it and for no other reason.
8. Your child will cry with separation from you and sometimes it is a real separation anxiety but children learn early how to manipulate their parents.  The best thing to do is drop them off, hug them and leave.  DO NOT give in to the situation.  If it continues for too long your caregiver will be sure to let you know, and you can work together to ease the situation and make the child more comfortable and will not have an issue with you taking your child somewhere else if it can't be fixed.
9. When you pick up your children, your caregiver may want to chat with you if time allows, but be respectful of the fact he/she is "off work" and has a family/home to care for now.

WHAT TO ASK

1. Do they have references, you want to know what other people think about the care their children are/did recive(ing)
2. What area's of the house/yard is for/not for care? As you are taking your children to a home where people live, there maybe places that aren't appropriate for your children to be for safety or privacy.
3. Do they have pets and what is the interaction between them and the children?  Pets in a care center can be a plus and a minus depending on your family and the pet.  Typically pets are a calming influence on the children and a source of fun.
4. what is the schedule?  you want to be aware of the times of activities so your child doesn't miss out on fun, and there is no confusion
5. Discipline - what is the procedures when Discipline is needed? 
6. Payment policies, schedules and methods are important to know up front, do they charge a late fee?
7. What does the child need to bring with them? Sometimes the children are required to bring their own nap blankets, sippycups bottles and even some require you to bring lunch for your children
8. who else will be in contact with your children?
9. will the ever be transported by the caregiver?
10. yearly calendar of closed days
11. what is allowed and what isn't as far as behavior, as well as items brought from home?

These are just a few things to consider when choosing a care giver from a mommy who has learned her lesson with choosing them and decided to become a caregiver.