The struggle is real

Ok now it starts.  One full week in and the anxiety has taken hold.
It's ok if you laugh at me, my family does and so does my doctor actually, but I'm having a real struggle that I can't seem to get past. I have blood sugar anxiety!
It takes me anywhere from 10 minute to a half hour to prick my finger to get a reading.  This morning it was so bad, I could not actually check it.  I get sweaty, I struggle to breath, it's a real problem.  I give myself injections twice a day and have no real issue but this I'm not sure how to get past it.   If you could imagine for just a few seconds with me: I sit down meter in hand, I put the strip in the meter I get my lancet ready then I just sit there pen to finger and can't push the button.  You would think it should be a simple task, but I just cant. So I move it away and click it, then go to try again, and this cycle continues for awhile. Today I just gave up.  I know this is so crazy, I have to figure a way to get past this as i do need to keep track of my blood sugars.

Baby Steps

With the encouragement of my friends, family and  doctors, I am doing this thing slowly. I am restricting things that are dangerous for me and I am being consistent with my meds and Plexus.  It may not seem staggaring to most, but there have been victories already.
I will start by saying, I'm still having stomach/possible gall bladder issues, and the pain is no fun!  So that continued issue sent me to the Dr today and we discussed all my issues.  I have to go have a scan done on my gall bladder, which I knew would happen. My blood sugars are improving daily, but they do travel up and down throughout the day.  And she wants to see them more consistent. All though they are regulating she wants me to up my insulin by 2 units daily and double my victoza in hopes to level things out faster, but I have to be honest, I have done these meds before and it didn't work this fast, but I think adding the Plexus Triplex is really the kicker.   So I agreed I would only weigh myself at the doc when they required it so I wasn't having scale issues. Well since my last post I have lost two lbs and my blood sugars are averaging about 40-50 points lower. All in all that is great.  In the interest in being transparent I will tell you. I have struggled!  When I went grocery shopping I had a meltdown not knowing what to do and over thinking it.  I bought zero junk food so when I have sugar cravings there has been nothing and it effects me emotionally. I can't lie. The desire to eat junk is strong.    day by day, step by step I'm getting there.

Day 1

Day 1...again. 
I have had so many day 1s that I should really give it a different name.  You see I'm a quitter and a master excuse maker.  Some of these excuses, in fact most of them can be held up as legitimate reasons for being a quitter, but if I'm being honest they are a good way for me to justify to myself, and give permission to give up on myself.

I am a diabetic, morbidly obese, have mildly reduced kidney function, PCOS, arthritic, and degenerative joint disease, and now I'm having some kind of abdominal issue. I didn't ask for any of this, but I do nothing to make it better. Not for long anyway.  I'm trying to change that, but I have issues and back issues on why it's hard, and why I should allow myself to quit, but if I'm being real, as bad as my health is at the moment, not taking action means death. 
I am not 100% sure what everything will look like, but I'm taking steps to get myself healthy; physically, emotionally and spiritually. What I. Starting with is making some small attainable goals and no real long term goals at this time because I don't want to overwhelm my brain, and the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.  So I am measuring my goals in 3 month incraments. I go to the Dr. Every three months to check my blood work.
I went to my doc last week and I didn't get a full work up, but my numbers are as follows right now.
My average blood sugars are in the 270's  I have an A1C of 9.5 and my weight is 273 my highest weight ever was 293 in 2011.  I take 5 meds daily for my diabetes including insulin. If I'm being honest I don't take any of it correctly if at all.
Now that you know not just my truth, but the actual truth, I should tell you the plan.
First, I have a good support system and am building one.  Immediately, I am working on taking care of whatever this is going on in my stomach, I am at this moment waiting on tests results to know what's going on and the best way to treat it.  I'm going to work on being consistent with the basics of daily life, like taking my meds, trying to get enough sleep etc. I am also starting Plexus. I used it briefly before, but I do know for fact that yeast and gut health are a big part of my issues. I will talk more about that later. I am using the TriPlex at the moment, but I plan on adding some other things as I go forward.  I plan on working on diet and exercise more and more, but I want to succeed this time, and I know it may seem simple, and it kind of is, but simple isn't always easy. 
In the near future I will be going to a healthy living bible study. I want to live a life that is pleasing to God, and I know the lack of caring for his temple and the body he gave me is not very pleasing. I can only move forward from here, so as I lift my pink drink in the air to another day one; I ask you to pray for me. pray that I have strength to keep going when it gets hard, that we quickly find out what's wrong so I can repair and continue. I hope that through this adventure, I will encourage people and maybe make them feel less alone and give someone else the courage to do something, even when it's hard.